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| Another blog about an ex. geez. So... here is goes. I sit in my old physical science seat, and guess who used to sit right behind me? Yep. I use his geometry book. && wow. Okay so. Manuel needs to go. | | |
| So today was pretty much awful... yeah i'm over him right... WRONG! i heard his voice in the room behind me, and it made me sick... thats terrible i know... i cried... not sure why i would do that publicly... i just cant take it anymore... i'm perfectly fine when i don't hear him, or see him... life is so messed up right now... i need to escape... were reading about henry thorou in literature... and about how he went to waldon pond to "live deliberately" to have a simple well disciplined life... i want that... i want to move away from here ESCAPE!!!! live in a little cabin by a pond... so many things in life that you want, and once you've had or have them... they dont seem important, i took sergey's love for granted... i thought it would always be there... why am i talking about it... i dont want someone to come along and think im stuck on him... im not. life just sucks right now... i'm having to relive all these memories without him... here comes fall fest... yay! another night all alone, when last year it was spent with him... SHUT UP AUBREY! why am i doing this to myself... i deserve better... i know what i want, how i want to live... but will i ever find that? no, and if so will it want me to? i want a guy who loves... who is stuck in the 50's... or any era later than this... i want a loving good christian boy, where at breakfast we can have a devotion together... driking our coffee... holding hands and praying... i want a life so perfect.. and that is so hard to obtain, its inevitable my life is not going to be te way i want it but... a girl can dream... and im dreaming out loud... | | |
| OK, i've given up.. no there is still plenty to live for, but still... losing him, and i've lost it all... i'm not the same person. he made me feel alive, he made me feel like i can make a difference, he made me feel important... and all the memories i had with him... i wouldn't trade them for the world... now thats its done, its over... i see what mistakes i made... i gave him me, maybe that was a mistake... i didn't give him me in the literal sense... but its just i told him everything, i opened myself up to him... i became so venerable... why did i do that... why did i plan my whole future with him... why? because he promised he would be there... sure people break promises... but not him... i thought he loved me... i thought he would try one last time... and thats what it took, it took a goodbye my fair lady, for me to see what went wrong... i messed up... and i tried to fix things.. believe me... i begged... for days... but nothing changed, nothings ever going to change... i still have a long journey ahead... more heart aches... more break ups and i'm ok with that.. its pain that makes me stronger... if it doesn't kill me atleast... i'm not sure where im going in life. or what is going to happen, but i'll leave it up to God, it sounds cliche but its true... he's brought me this far... he can take me anywhere... i'm going to class... goodbye my darlings... <3 | | |
| yeah, i once believed in a happy ever after... and spending your days with the one you love, but is that really waht its like? no i find that hard to believe now... i used to think there was a someone for everyone... not so sure now... its hard to look for something you dont need... and then accept it once you found it... i dont know what im saying... im a little confused... i dont know why, i just am... theres so many perfect girls and stuff... then theres me... lame ole me... people could do so much better... and they should... they dont need me... im worthless i have no value... i dont take any pride in my self... im just aubrey... thats it.... nothing special, people need to just wake up and realize they are wasting their time... seriously... i cant take this anymore... i dont even know whats bothering me... but i feel like i need to let it go... how can i if i dont have any clue as of what it is... maybe, its i thnk about stuff... i plan stuff... then it doesnt work out... maybe its because i realize this year is going to be the worst year of my life... and i cant do anything about it... maybe its because im in love, and i want to be with this one special person... but theirs always people around... mabe i just want one day all to myself... maybe i just need to get away from this town... away from these people... start over... begin new... find new faces to spend my days with... and new hand to hold... i dont know waht i need but once i do... i'm gonna find it... | | |
| i don't know what to say... like i don't even know why i'm writing, i'm bored i guess... thats what it is.... why does he have to be so breathtakingly wonderful... seriously he makes me lose my breath sometimes... i get all chocked up... i can't even believe he's mine... seriously... i cant even believe it.. he's gone.. i feel so empty my whole insides are like this painful tingle... it hurts like crazy... i miss him so much, he doesn't even know... after you spend three days with someone you know its going to be hard to try to go back to spending only a few hours together a day...sigh... if only... i can dream right... but it only hurts... cause i know it isn't going to come true anytime soon... i love him so much... i feel so good when he hold me and hugs me... it like nothing i've ever felt... but now i don't feel it... its gone... i need it... i want to cuddle up and just fall asleep in his arms forever.... why.... why not!!! its not gonna kill anyone... certainly.... goodness... i'm about to cry... i better go, before i do... i love you. sergey taylor! | | |
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